My Mood for 2019…

This year is going to be a tough year…

Both mentally and physically… I do not know how to pull through this but I have to somehow…

I have been unwell since January this year. Hence, I was not updating my blog for a long time. I was supposed to travel to Japan last week but my body just do not allow me to travel.

I have missed the sakura season but oh well… I hope I can recover soon and get back to my normal life.

I have been thinking a lot about life since most of the time I am resting on the bed. I am grateful that I still get to communicate with family and friends without leaving house. My cat, Lilo and my husband have been there for me too. Else, I might have depression.

One thing that has been baffling me is “Why people have extra marital affair?”.

Apparently, it is very common and it has been happening around me. I have failed to realised and it took me years to come to a conclusion.

In Chinese, 後知後覺。

Many years ago, I saw a male friend (married & I know his wife) was out with another female (whom I know too, not married), over the weekend. Let’s name the male friend, Mr. F and the female friend, Ms. S.

They were walking towards me (quite a distance, maybe 200m) but I noticed Mr. F (because he was fat) and started to wave to him.

I was with my husband. Mr. F walked towards me, smiling while Ms. S just walked away like she didn’t know me.

Me: Hey, why are you out with Ms. S over the weekend? Where is your wife? And why did Ms. S walked away?

Mr. F: Hello, why are you here? (trying to divert from my questioning)
My wife is on business trip lah.

Me: Huh? That doesn’t sound right… And why did she walked away?

Mr. F: I think she thought you are my friend.

Me: Huh? Did I put on so much weight that I looked so different?! Even if it was someone you didn’t know, will also stop and say hello, no?

Mr. F: Don’t think too much lah…

Me: So why are you out with her?

Mr. F: No lah, I needed to buy some clothes and asked her for help.

Me: Huh? Usually ask the wife or guy friends leh… Besides, you put on so much weight, don’t bother to ask for opinions…

Mr. F: Don’t be crazy lah. So why are you here?

Me: Watch movie with my husband. That’s what married couples do!

Mr. F: Ok lah. Hope both of you enjoy your movie.

Me: Hmmm…. Okay, bye.

After Mr. F left, I was very confused. My husband just laughed and asked me not to think too much.

I am someone who needs answers and I cannot stand ambiguity. Throughout the day, I kept thinking what was going on. My husband told me it was non of my business but I just needed answers.

I kept thinking for 2 weeks before I texted Mr. F again. I asked him out for lunch and wanted to know the answer. As expected, Mr. F said I was thinking too much. I just told him not to do anything stupid.

I kept this “incident” to myself for years before I found out the truth…

Honestly, it was very obvious but I just did not expect Mr. F would do something like that… My husband has been such a gentleman, he did not mention the word “affair” and just asked me not to get too affected by it.

After 3 years, I found out the truth and also realised he was trying to “seduce” me back then…

Incident 1

Once, he passed me my favourite fruit from Indonesia (his business trip).

Mr. F: For you! (with a big smile)

Me: Huh? Why? Don’t you think what you are doing is wrong?

Mr. F: Huh?

Me: Both of us are married leh… You shouldn’t buy this for me! And I love my husband very much.

Mr. F: You crazy ah. It is just fruits. I just happened to passed by and bought it.

Me: Hmmm… Strange leh… Okay, this time I eat but no next time ah! Thank you.

Incident 2

Mr. F suddenly touched my hair.

Me: Hey, what are you doing?!

Mr. F: Just touching your hair.

Me: I haven’t washed my hair for 2 days leh…

Mr. F: Why didn’t you wash your hair?! You crazy?!

Me: You are the crazy one. Touching someone’s hair who hasn’t been washed for days… Do not touch my hair anymore ah!!! Only my husband can touch!

There are many similar incidents like these but I did not realised his intention. I cannot believed I did not realised. It was a good thing thing that I was very upfront of my emotions.

I felt strange and just spoke my mind. Mr. F said something like I was a very “special” girl and I retaliated with “I am an independent woman”.

After I figured out what happened, I told everything to my husband. I was very upset that this world is so wrong. I am no saint but I do not see the point of having an affair. I asked my husband, “Why people do this?!”.

My husband could not figure out too. He asked why don’t they spend those time and effort on work instead. What do they get in return?!

There are a few things I have learned from it.

One, those dirty men would use words like, “crazy”, “overthinking”, “being ridiculous” etc to make you feel like you are the guilty one…

Two, affairs often happened at workplace.

Three, never self-doubt your gut feeling.

Four, just keep rejecting and protect yourself.

Five, I became better at figuring out who’s having affair.

Till then…

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