Mood

A black and white picture for my mood…

I always try to be positive but this time… I am someone who isn’t afraid to express my feelings. I do not care what people think of me because no matter what I do, there will be people disagreeing. I am over with pleasing people.

It has been a year in Hong Kong as a housewife. I realised the amount of effort needed to do all the housework and taking care of your loved ones. It takes so much time to clean and cook. I can’t imagine doing these for years. I am very grateful to my mom. I don’t know how she does it. My elder sister too.

I am very fortunate, my husband works hard so I can spend my time learning how to be a housewife. I did not learn how to be a housewife in school.

I do not know how to sew so we have clothes with missing button or loose thread and the hole is getting bigger. Solution, pay someone to do it.

I cannot clean well and the house seems not so tidy all the time. I am sick of cleaning and ironing. Solution, pay someone to do it.

I only know how to cook very simple meals so I attend cooking classes. However, it takes so much effort and time to buy ingredients and cleaning afterwards. Solution, eat out.

After a year, I feel I am underperforming at my job… No wonder I was told by many people I will not stay as a housewife for long…

The main reason of being a housewife was because we wanted to start a family. It has been a year and I am still not pregnant… I am not the only one going through this. I have friends who tried for 2 years before getting pregnant. Some have given up and live their lives as fury parents.

It can get quite depressing to see friends on social media sharing their pregnancy news. You would be happy and sad at the same time. The only thing people can say to you is to keep trying.

To see some people go to such extremes to have children, I hold a lot of respect but I will never be one of them. I try to be logical and check on the statistics, went for health check and live a stress free life. Doctors say we are healthy and fine. I can do elaborate checks like having blue ink up to my uterus and scan, just to see if my fallopian tubes are okay. However, I do not want. It is a painful process and blue ink? No way.

Then, there will be a few procedures available like IUI (Intrauterine insemination), IVF (in vitro fertilisation) etc.

Hence, I went to TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine). I was told I am “extremely strong” and won’t have issues getting pregnant. Just have to cut down on cold drinks… I drink cold water every day. I love iced black coffee, Japanese green tea and sparkling water. I had to take Chinese medicine twice, daily. I am following the instructions strictly.

I also had acupuncture twice a month…

I have learn not to ask people questions like “When are you having a baby”. I was ignorant, did not know having a baby is a privilege.

I also start asking myself questions like, “Why do you want to have a baby?”,  “Is this peer pressure?”, “Must married couples have babies?”, “Unable to have a baby, makes you feel less of a woman?”, “What do I really want?” etc.

This mental stress is a whole new level for me. I believe I am not the only one. Welcome to modern society problems.

Stay abstinent until marriage… No regrets but no one freaking told me about how long it actually takes to conceive a baby after 30…

Come to think of it, do I really like kids? Every time I hear a kid scream, I cringe. A friend even said, “You hate kids! Your face says it all!”. Hahaha. The irony.

I actually thought a lot. Even adoption but I wonder what our family would think and feel… Especially from Asian family…

Anyway, I am just focusing on getting my abs and passing my JLPT N2. Screw it, many things are beyond my control. I will not feel miserable because life is too short. Live life to the fullest and be the best version of self.

Till then…